What Would Batman Say? (If he had a desk job)

by Shiv Sharma / November 12, 2014

Silent Guardian, Watchful Protector, The Dark Knight, there is no denying the fact that Batman is an embodiment of everything awesome. He has the coolest suit, gear and car you’ll ever see. Add to that his billion dollar net worth, scientific acumen, martial arts skills, Yale law degree and you will get an inimitable superhero.

When he simply introduced himself with, “I am Batman!” that became everyone’s favorite catchphrase. He didn’t even try to act cool like “Bond, James Bond”.

Batman’s effortless coolness stands in complete contrast to the pretentious jargon of a lot of corporate managers. Thankfully, managers around the world are realizing the sheer idiocy of the mindless jargon they use at work; just to make simple things seem important or unimportant tasks seem relevant. It’s no secret that a lot of new age start-ups have started not only to get rid of such culture, but mock it to the extent of ridiculing it.

I want to talk

Since some of us (in fact a lot of us) use these buzzwords even today, how about we switch to talking like Batman instead! Won’t that be amazing? Trust me, it will make much more sense. Let’s have a look at the scenarios where we can replace the archaic managerial talk with well-known quotes from Batman.

Scenario 1:

Your boss comes up to your desk with an important assignment that’s a bit different from your regular work and asks you to work on it.

Reply: - “I understand that this task is not a part of my job profile, but I am willing to take this as a challenge and execute it effectively” + Batman = I am whatever [Insert company name here] needs me to be.

Scenario 2:

You are having a performance review and are pretty confident about it, so you try your luck and ask management for a raise; only to get the standard response, “We as a company truly appreciate your performance in the past quarter, however your current request for increase in remuneration is beyond the framework of our internal policies.”

Reply: - “I appreciate your acknowledgment of my work. However, I would be more motivated if it is met by tangible returns.” + Batman = It’s not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.

Scenario 3:

You wish to layoff an employee and wish to do it in the smoothest way possible.

Reply: - “I am sorry, there is nothing personal. However, our organization doesn’t require your services anymore. We wish you success in your professional endeavors. Good Luck!” + Batman = You’re the hero we deserve but not the one we need right now.

Scenario 4:

One of your employees has been involved in an unethical practice which can have dire consequences for your business. The employee keeps stressing that he/she is innocent, “I was not involved it at all, I swear to God!”

Reply: - “Mr. [Insert Generic Last Name Here], I may choose to agree with your side of argument but under the guidelines of the organization, it’s mandatory to notify higher authorities about this” + Batman = SWEAR TO ME!! (With a loud, thundering voice).

Scenario 5:

Your manager approaches you and asks about the status of an important project.

Reply: - “I am still working on it. It should be completed before our telecon with the agency.” + Batman = Not everything, Not Yet (with a voice that fiddles on the line between coarseness and profoundness)

Scenario 6:

You have bagged an important contract which you and your primary competitor were fighting over for a long time. Your competitor walks by and stops to give you an intense look.

Reply: - “Better luck next time. I hope our professional commitments do not affect our personal relationship.” + Batman = I want you to remember, in all the years to come, in your most private moments, I want you to remember my hand at your throat, I want you to remember the one man who beat you.

If you have any more cases to add to the list, tell us; we will love to hear from you. Enjoy you day and keep making things awesome!

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